Gwyneth Paltrow deigned to sit down for a full-length interview with Howard Stern yesterday. She’s promoting Mortdecai, the Scarfy Depp movie that he hasn’t lifted a finger to promote. Should we give Gwyneth credit for doing her job and hustling a crappy movie like a pro? Save that thought. I want you to do something very important…try to get through this entire Howard Stern interview. Just when I think I can handle a lot of GOOP, I sit down and try to listen to her nasal voice and I just can’t. I had to breeze through this thing. The first 15 minutes is a lot about her life as an actress, her career, how quickly she can memorize a script. Boring. You can skip a lot of that stuff. There’s some NSFW language but she’s not dropping f-bombs right and left.

Around the 19-minute mark is Gwyneth talking about whether women are jealous of her (she doesn’t believe women are jelly). 20-minute mark: she’s talking about her best famous friend, Cameron Diaz, and how she’s also super-tight with Jay-Z and Beyonce. She says she called Beyonce “right away” after the Met Gala elevator incident but Gwyneth doesn’t offer any details about the incident.

But everyone is talking the parts where Goop discusses her famous exes. Around the 26-minute mark, it begins. Howard asks her a million questions about Brad Pitt and she said: “I definitely fell in love with him. He was so gorgeous and sweet. I mean, he was Brad Pitt!” She says that they’re still “friendly” but “I don’t, like, hang out with him.” Howard says that Gwyneth was the love of Brad’s life (O RLY?) and Goop laughs and says it’s not true, but she never once mentions Angelina Jolie. Apparently, Bruce Paltrow loved Brad as a son and when Goop and Brad broke up, Bruce was “devastated.” As for the breakup, Gwyneth is still saying that she was the one who messed it up (the rumor going around at the time was that she cheated on him, right?). She tells Howard: “I was such a kid, I was 22 when we met. It’s taken me until 40 to get my head out of my ass. You can’t make that decision when you’re 22 years old… I wasn’t ready, and he was too good for me… I didn’t know what I was doing.”

Gwyneth is less generous about Ben Affleck. This part is around 36:30 minute mark. Goop says that Affleck “was not in a good place in his life to have a girlfriend.” Stern asked her about her old remark that Affleck would be better off with a Scores stripper and Goop says “Well, that was true at the time…” And Gwyneth’s parents didn’t care for Affleck either. Goop says that she’s still friends with Ben and “he settled down, and his wife is awesome! Not only is she beautiful, she’s so warm and she cooks, and she’s so into her kids. She’s hilarious… I had a girls dinner before this summer. (She’s my neighbor.) I really like her a lot.” Is this shade on Jennifer Garner? I don’t really think it is.

Goop also says that famous rumor about stealing the Shakespeare In Love script from Winona Ryder is not true. Gwyneth says she was offered the role in SIL and she turned it down, then they were looking at other actresses, then she was convinced by other people to do the role. That’s her story. 35-minute mark: Gwyneth says that her work stands up and “no one” says she didn’t deserve the Oscar for Shakespeare in Love. Um. WHAT?! Lots and lots of people said that. People are still saying that. People are still mad that Cate Blanchett didn’t win that year!!

Photos courtesy of WENN.