Karl Lagerfeld is 84 years old. I’m not using his age as an excuse for what he says, I’m just noting a fact: he’s been on this earth for 84 years. And for much of those 84 years, he’s been one of the biggest bitches in the world. You just have to sort of roll with the punches with Lagerfeld: he’s either an acquired taste and you find him rather funny, or you’ve always loathed him. Personally, while I find some of what he says to be rather reprehensible for a man in his position, I also think he’s trying to be a grumpy provocateur. With that in mind, Lagerfeld gave an interview to Numero and this piece is full of fantastically bitchy and downright terrible quotes. You can read the full piece here. Some highlights:

Whether he wants a funeral: “How awful! There will be no burial. I’d rather die… I’ve asked to be cremated and for my ashes to dispersed with those of my mother… and those of Choupette [Karl Lagerfeld’s cat], if she dies before me.

Whether Azzedine Alaia lacked talent: “I didn’t say that. I never said anything, I don’t criticise him, even if at the end of his career all he did was make ballet slippers for menopausal fashion victims.

On International Women’s Day: “For me Women’s Day is every day of the year. Men’s fashion does little for me. I buy it of course, and I’m delighted that Hedi [Slimane] is going to Céline but drawing a men’s collection and having to put up with all those stupid models, no thanks. Not to mention the fact with all their accusations of harassment they have become quite toxic. No, no, no, don’t leave me alone with one of those sordid creatures.

What he thinks of #MeToo: “I’m fed up with it. I don’t even eat pig [in France the movement’s known as #BalanceTonPorc] What shocks me most in all of this are the starlets who have taken 20 years to remember what happened. Not to mention the fact there are no prosecution witnesses. That said I cannot stand Mr Weinstein. I had a problem with him at amfAR [the amfAR Gala is organised during the Cannes Film Festival in the fight against AIDS] …No, it wasn’t of a sexual nature, but a professional one. I’ll spare you the details, but he isn’t exactly what you might call a man of his word.

Whether #MeToo has affected the way he works: “Absolutely not. I read somewhere that now you must ask a model if she is comfortable with posing. It’s simply too much, from now on, as a designer, you can’t do anything. As for the accusations against the poor Karl Templar [creative director at Interview magazine], I don’t believe a single word of it. A girl complained he tried to pull her pants down and he is instantly excommunicated from a profession that up until then had venerated him. It’s unbelievable. If you don’t want your pants pulled about, don’t become a model! Join a nunnery, there’ll always be a place for you in the convent. They’re recruiting even!

He’s grown a goatee: “I had one in the famous portrait of me taken by Helmut Newton 40 years ago, and I wanted to rediscover the feeling of having one again, to see if after all these years, it was still just as bothersome. What is funny is that with all these whiskers I look a lot like Choupette… we’re really like an old couple. In fact, she maintains it for me, we sleep on the same pillow and she spends her life licking it.

Choupette is one of his heirs: “Among others, yes. Don’t worry, there is enough for everyone.

His personal assistant Sébastien Jondeau: “Sébastien corresponds with a certain kind of man aged 35 – 40 who cannot find anything to wear. He embodies a male canon that is the complete opposite of those skinny things with wonky teeth we generally see on runways… They certainly don’t run the risk of getting harassed. To be honest what they really need is a good dentist.

[From Numero]

Before we get into his #MeToo criticism, I’d just like to say that I sort of want this on a t-shirt: “I don’t criticise him, even if at the end of his career all he did was make ballet slippers for menopausal fashion victims.” Lagerfeld could sell those t-shirts and people would buy them. As for his #MeToo bulls–t… as I said, he’s trying to be provocative. “What shocks me most in all of this are the starlets who have taken 20 years to remember what happened. Not to mention the fact there are no prosecution witnesses.” The starlets didn’t take 20 years to “remember.” They always remembered, and many of them even told people what happened to them at the time. And they weren’t believed or they were actively silenced or a million other things happened.

“If you don’t want your pants pulled about, don’t become a model! Join a nunnery, there’ll always be a place for you in the convent.” That’s a disgusting thing to say.

Photos courtesy of WENN.